I can appreciate a lot of this post - but I have to argue with the idea that people misgendering you (or anyone) is a reflection of some kind of onus on the trans person to somehow get better at being trans (apologies if this isn’t what you intended to say - but that’s the way this read to me). This might be a way to look at it if you are a binary trans person whose ultimate goal is to pass, but this isn’t ever going to be an option for nonbinary people like me and it is never going to be achievable by binary trans people who just are never going to pass. I have a very dear friend who, no matter that she always dresses very feminine, has long hair, has done the voice training and acts like every other white woman I know - is just never going to pass. She knows this, but that doesn’t take the sting out of being misgendered constantly, despite the obvious fact that she is presenting as a woman. For my part, I am 6’3” and built like a viking. Even if I were to do what I want to do and get on HRT and become as feminine as possible - I will never be mistaken for a woman.
As for McBride - she isn’t misgendered as an honest mistake because there is something about her the world doesn’t see as a woman. I honestly think she passes really well. I think that if people didn’t know she was trans they wouldn’t assume she was trans. In fact I think this was proven when one of the “brave and righteous” TERFs on Capitol Hill thought they were scoring a victory by harassing someone in the women’s restroom that they THOUGHT was McBride, but it turned out was a cis woman. Because no matter what anyone says - they can’t “always tell”. I don’t think it is about “forcing” people to buy what you’re selling - I don’t think it is about trying to socially pressure people into treating you with respect - I think it is about calling people on their bull$#!+. I don’t bother correcting people because I’m not allowed to if I want to keep my job - but that doesn’t mean I’m doing something wrong by not being enough of what I want the world to see in me.
I am a binary trans person whose goal is to either pass or surround myself with people who get what I'm going for either way. This is just an update on how I think about being misgendered after 7 (I think?) years out and is not meant to be prescriptive. I think if you reread the McBride part, it should be clear that I don't think that's an honest mistake. She absolutely passes and I know that because we've spent time together in person. I'm really sorry that this is a thing you're dealing with in your workplace, where your coworkers should absolutely treat you with the respect you deserve.
The serenity prayer of all things has been a reoccurring theme throughout my transition. I’ve said before that being a trans is a master class in the concept of acceptance.
You accept the things you cannot change , because if you don’t you’ll be miserable or go crazy.
It’s also been a master class in the concept of joy from simple things . Ask any cis person when was the last time a stranger using sir or maam absolutely made their whole day?
The flipside of that coin is there are so many ordinary, simple things that can also cause pain now.
Being referred to as brother or son or my old name used to not be a blip on my radar, where now it’s a painful reminder of how im viewed in the eyes of ppl who’s opinions I care about, and wish were different.
You’ll get to know your inner workings to a degree many people aren’t otherwise forced into considering.
I've been going through a bit of a spiritual awakening in the face of all the misery out there and I'm honestly a little embarrassed about it because I was a strident atheist in my youth and I was raised in a church that did me a lot of harm by teaching me that it was wrong to be queer. But there's wisdom in the traditions that have helped people through hard times for centuries. Transitioning is an extremely humbling experience.
For 1000 years, the Irish practiced their faith in their old ways; at fairy pools and in their homes.
It took a sustained, militant and often violent effort from the Vatican (with help from England) to 'Romanize' their practice, which also served to crush their culture and native language.
While I don't see myself ever going to church again, this taught me something important.
Completely disregard anyone who tells you how to have a relationship with God,
Or uses the 'will of god' to strip you of your humanity.
I can't think of a more shameful example of 'using the lord's name in vain' than that.
Becoming a woman had a funny way of making me believe in god again, in a way I don’t really care to elaborate on or examine or explain or even do anything with . I just feel complete in a way that has me re-thinking things. Nothing has ever felt so natural as transitioning, so I know im on the right path for myself.
I was raised Catholic, then I used to be a militant atheist, now I'm out loud and proud Trans and I'm comfortably and securely agnostic. There may be a deity, there may not. I'll never know definitively either way, so why waste time on it?
I do know that the Catholics and evangelicals leading the genocide of we Trans and gender expansive Americans are pieces of shit and I will never give them the time of day. They can kill us, they can murder me, but they'll never break my will and they'll never defeat me.
It's been a painful journey getting to this point of realization myself. Being a nonbinary trans person feels like it requires of me some level of acceptance of always being misperceived by the world. Unless I'm transitioning on the binary, what does passing even look like for me? At some point, it's sunk in that I will always be misgendered. And yes, I must choose my battles. This post dove right to the guts of this process. I so appreciate you sharing this, Ari.
The world is rough sometimes and I think that it's important to find people who see you as YOU. Those people truly do exist. I appreciate you seeing this perspective not as an argument that you should be satisfied with less, but rather that the only things we really get to control are who we spend our time and energy with.
I’m really glad you’ve seen this in life - and shared it here.
My son is trans. He’s 14. I’m trying to encourage him to give people grace because they are learning. I’m trying to help him see that some people will get it and are down with it. And some people will not be that way.
As someone who is cis and spent her whole life trying to be perfect for people who don’t value it. I know to my bones that some people will not change today.
I hope - down to my BonE’s- that the people I personally work on for my kid- might one day be the biggest trans advocate in the nursing home.
It doesn’t hurt me the same way it hurts you- to defend your existence.
So I do what I can as much as I can- but I also try to encourage my son to look at himself with a love and with a tenderness the world doesn’t appear to be able to give at this moment.
I can't imagine how difficult this is to navigate as a 14 year old. I was twice that age when I came out and still, it was so hard to hear that people were "learning" because at the time, it felt like forever. But fortunately, puberty is a temporary process. I do wish I'd given family members more grace at the time, and I'm especially grateful for those (like my grandparents) who never required grace because they got it right away.
As a trans man who likes "feminine" fashion (I'd call it old fashioned) I often get misgendered by strangers. But I learned that A LOT of people think I'm trans woman. And I can't blame them, when I intentionally go against the grain in my fashion.
My voice has obviously cracked, my face is rather masculine, and despite that, there are a lot of people still deciding: presents in feminine fashion > using "she", I hope they will do the same for my trans sisters. I wear that misgenred label with a kind of pride.
There were a few a**holes being a**es and intentionally telling me "once a man, always a man" or just "gay" and I'm like:"Yeah, you are actually very right. I'm a man, I'm gay. The sky is blue."
Getting to learn to know the difference between malice and mistake, took alot of pressure of my shoulders and gave me the bravery to not HAVE to present as modern masculine as I can, when in truth my style is just boundary breaking.
honestly I think part of what changed for me was reaching a place where it was like ok so if they think I'm a man with long blonde hair and lip filler and a navel piercing, that's on them and it's pretty clear either way what I'm going for, vibes-wise.
As a nonbinary person, I will never present in a way that people will gender me ‘naturally’. I will be fighting to be seen for the rest of my life, and this is good because I am hopefully making things better for the next nonbinary cohort.
I'm sorry that it's so hard sometimes. I really do hope it's better for future generations. There are lots of other cultures that are much more accepting of nonbinary people and to me that indicates we are capable of getting there.
The important part of that whole exchange wasn't just the response from Mrs. McBride, it was the fire that the Representative from SE Massachusetts brought.
"Mister Chairman, *You* are out of order. Have you no shame, sir?"
I pretty much have never gone out of my way to correct misgendering my pronouns. It feels good when people get them right and I just shrug it off when they don't. The good sign is that people are getting them right more and more often. I consider that as progress.
I understand what you are trying to convey; however, I agree with the previous post (Kassandra) that it's not our responsibility to present "well enough" to truly be a woman, a man, or even neither. It's no different than when someone of color or ethnicity rightfully says, it's not their responsibility, it's our to learn the history and everything that goes along with that.
So let me ask you a question... would you be giving the same advice to someone of color or ethnicity? Would you lecture them on the Serenity Prayer or how it's wise to pick and choose your battles?
I think what's really bothering me here is that you are taking what works for *you* and are expecting everyone else to adopt the same attitude - worse, it's almost passive aggressive to suggest that doing otherwise is tantamount to "spinning our wheels".
It's not all that difficult to distinguish genuine error, lack of respect (indifference), or just plain hostility. I've been living full time for 8 years now, name change and all. In almost every instance where it was an honest mistake, I find that people own it and apologize unprompted when I let them know (and no, it's not necessary to be an ass about it... kindness goes a long way).
I've also learned in the 6+ decades a truism that I've yet to find an exception to - bullies cannot be reasoned with, or placated, or shamed, or any means that kind compassionate people understand is part of the larger social contract. They also don't back down or stop. The *only* way to deal with a bully is to stand up to a bully. Most bullies are cowards beneath the bravado, and will not continue to engage.
You also mention Sarah McBride and the way she has handled the bullies in congress. Sorry, that just doesn't fly. She gave into the bullshit without so much as a fight. Whether she likes it or not, she represents more that just her Delaware constituents. And fair or not, people will draw conclusions on how to treat *any* trans person based on her responses.
You want proof? Someone she can model herself on? I give you Montana state representative Zooey Zephyr. Not just a class act, but a masterclass on how to handle bullies.
With regards to the Serenity Prayer?
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference...."
That's much more than a pithy piece of advise stitched to throw pillows. It's the mantra of almost any place that offers healing for addiction, trauma and the like. Thing is, they don't stop there... Here is what they add...
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference....and the willingness to take action!"
It's as important to stand up for and respect yourself as it is to honor the social contract of decorum. Action does not have to mean sinking to their level... it does however not to just stand there and take it. It also means to take care of yourself and not let them live rent free in your head.
I would not be giving advice to someone of color on how to navigate the world because I have only ever have been white and that's not my advice to give. All I have to share is my own perspective on my transition and how my thinking about it has changed over time, which is what I am sharing here. I don't think anybody who knows me would describe me as passive aggressive or judgemental. Personally, I find it mortifying when people who I know love me slip up on pronouns and feel the need to perform a lengthy apology. We all need to find the approach that works for us.
Obviously this is a matter of personal choice for each individual. But as an ally I will not tolerate misgendering of anyone in my presence or the most egregious examples of it by politicians and reserve to myself the right to push back aggressively against it. Anyone who misgenders anyone in my presence better be prepared to find out exactly how big a troll and prick I can be in response.
While I agree about do I care about fighting a battle with someone at a cash desk in a shop when I have bigger issues and I will likely never see them again. But this isn't about my transition to some position of stealth and I should "try harder next time" I'm MTF trans, I look trans, I wear it openly. To misgender me says a lot about the person and the respect they have for me. And to misgender me tells me all about the level of respect I should show them
Regarding this thing about wanting people to gender me correctly because they instinctively see me as my true gender, what I'm finding here in my sorta midway there, partially formed presentation, is that it's harder for people who knew me before than it is for strangers encountering me for their first time.
My take is that people who already have their concept of me have trouble letting go of that. No matter how solidly I nail my gender presentation my old friends, family, co-workers STILL misgender me. It's that hard to get past their original ideas of who I am!
Thank you Ari, for your interest in my interest in your recent article.
Unfortunately I was unable to address you using you last name, since I do not know what preferred title should go in front of it, so as to not misgender you.
I did read your article carefully. Every. Single. Word.
And then I re-read it. Every. Single Word.
After some consideration, may I just say:
1) It is of course entirely up to you as to how you respond to each instance of misgendering, and it is your right to say so.
2) I believe that it is entirely up to me as to how I feel about it, and that it is my right to say so.
3) Speaking only for myself, if I am misgendered unintentionally and as a mistake or sincere lack of knowledge, I will gently and without admonishment, simply state my true gender. How the other person reacts is of course totally up to them.
4) But, if someone misgenders me in a manner that is deliberately rude and malicious, I will respond accordingly.
5) Please consider - when you see an open hand, do not mistake it for a closed fist. Let me assure you that I did not extend a closed fist to you. Now, I am extending an open hand to you. Please don't slap it away. These days, I think we could all use more open hands, and less closed fists.
I shall look forward to reading your articles with interest. Keep up the good work.
I can appreciate a lot of this post - but I have to argue with the idea that people misgendering you (or anyone) is a reflection of some kind of onus on the trans person to somehow get better at being trans (apologies if this isn’t what you intended to say - but that’s the way this read to me). This might be a way to look at it if you are a binary trans person whose ultimate goal is to pass, but this isn’t ever going to be an option for nonbinary people like me and it is never going to be achievable by binary trans people who just are never going to pass. I have a very dear friend who, no matter that she always dresses very feminine, has long hair, has done the voice training and acts like every other white woman I know - is just never going to pass. She knows this, but that doesn’t take the sting out of being misgendered constantly, despite the obvious fact that she is presenting as a woman. For my part, I am 6’3” and built like a viking. Even if I were to do what I want to do and get on HRT and become as feminine as possible - I will never be mistaken for a woman.
As for McBride - she isn’t misgendered as an honest mistake because there is something about her the world doesn’t see as a woman. I honestly think she passes really well. I think that if people didn’t know she was trans they wouldn’t assume she was trans. In fact I think this was proven when one of the “brave and righteous” TERFs on Capitol Hill thought they were scoring a victory by harassing someone in the women’s restroom that they THOUGHT was McBride, but it turned out was a cis woman. Because no matter what anyone says - they can’t “always tell”. I don’t think it is about “forcing” people to buy what you’re selling - I don’t think it is about trying to socially pressure people into treating you with respect - I think it is about calling people on their bull$#!+. I don’t bother correcting people because I’m not allowed to if I want to keep my job - but that doesn’t mean I’m doing something wrong by not being enough of what I want the world to see in me.
I am a binary trans person whose goal is to either pass or surround myself with people who get what I'm going for either way. This is just an update on how I think about being misgendered after 7 (I think?) years out and is not meant to be prescriptive. I think if you reread the McBride part, it should be clear that I don't think that's an honest mistake. She absolutely passes and I know that because we've spent time together in person. I'm really sorry that this is a thing you're dealing with in your workplace, where your coworkers should absolutely treat you with the respect you deserve.
The serenity prayer of all things has been a reoccurring theme throughout my transition. I’ve said before that being a trans is a master class in the concept of acceptance.
You accept the things you cannot change , because if you don’t you’ll be miserable or go crazy.
It’s also been a master class in the concept of joy from simple things . Ask any cis person when was the last time a stranger using sir or maam absolutely made their whole day?
The flipside of that coin is there are so many ordinary, simple things that can also cause pain now.
Being referred to as brother or son or my old name used to not be a blip on my radar, where now it’s a painful reminder of how im viewed in the eyes of ppl who’s opinions I care about, and wish were different.
You’ll get to know your inner workings to a degree many people aren’t otherwise forced into considering.
Good article🤍
I've been going through a bit of a spiritual awakening in the face of all the misery out there and I'm honestly a little embarrassed about it because I was a strident atheist in my youth and I was raised in a church that did me a lot of harm by teaching me that it was wrong to be queer. But there's wisdom in the traditions that have helped people through hard times for centuries. Transitioning is an extremely humbling experience.
I grew up Irish Catholic.
For 1000 years, the Irish practiced their faith in their old ways; at fairy pools and in their homes.
It took a sustained, militant and often violent effort from the Vatican (with help from England) to 'Romanize' their practice, which also served to crush their culture and native language.
While I don't see myself ever going to church again, this taught me something important.
Completely disregard anyone who tells you how to have a relationship with God,
Or uses the 'will of god' to strip you of your humanity.
I can't think of a more shameful example of 'using the lord's name in vain' than that.
Becoming a woman had a funny way of making me believe in god again, in a way I don’t really care to elaborate on or examine or explain or even do anything with . I just feel complete in a way that has me re-thinking things. Nothing has ever felt so natural as transitioning, so I know im on the right path for myself.
I was raised Catholic, then I used to be a militant atheist, now I'm out loud and proud Trans and I'm comfortably and securely agnostic. There may be a deity, there may not. I'll never know definitively either way, so why waste time on it?
I do know that the Catholics and evangelicals leading the genocide of we Trans and gender expansive Americans are pieces of shit and I will never give them the time of day. They can kill us, they can murder me, but they'll never break my will and they'll never defeat me.
It's been a painful journey getting to this point of realization myself. Being a nonbinary trans person feels like it requires of me some level of acceptance of always being misperceived by the world. Unless I'm transitioning on the binary, what does passing even look like for me? At some point, it's sunk in that I will always be misgendered. And yes, I must choose my battles. This post dove right to the guts of this process. I so appreciate you sharing this, Ari.
The world is rough sometimes and I think that it's important to find people who see you as YOU. Those people truly do exist. I appreciate you seeing this perspective not as an argument that you should be satisfied with less, but rather that the only things we really get to control are who we spend our time and energy with.
That's exactly how I read it, Ari. It's healing to know we have this choice, and I'm learning to choose wisely.
I've never corrected anyone, I want them to naturally get it right ✅️
I’m really glad you’ve seen this in life - and shared it here.
My son is trans. He’s 14. I’m trying to encourage him to give people grace because they are learning. I’m trying to help him see that some people will get it and are down with it. And some people will not be that way.
As someone who is cis and spent her whole life trying to be perfect for people who don’t value it. I know to my bones that some people will not change today.
I hope - down to my BonE’s- that the people I personally work on for my kid- might one day be the biggest trans advocate in the nursing home.
It doesn’t hurt me the same way it hurts you- to defend your existence.
So I do what I can as much as I can- but I also try to encourage my son to look at himself with a love and with a tenderness the world doesn’t appear to be able to give at this moment.
💜
I can't imagine how difficult this is to navigate as a 14 year old. I was twice that age when I came out and still, it was so hard to hear that people were "learning" because at the time, it felt like forever. But fortunately, puberty is a temporary process. I do wish I'd given family members more grace at the time, and I'm especially grateful for those (like my grandparents) who never required grace because they got it right away.
This is a really interesting take, especially now. Thank you!!
As a trans man who likes "feminine" fashion (I'd call it old fashioned) I often get misgendered by strangers. But I learned that A LOT of people think I'm trans woman. And I can't blame them, when I intentionally go against the grain in my fashion.
My voice has obviously cracked, my face is rather masculine, and despite that, there are a lot of people still deciding: presents in feminine fashion > using "she", I hope they will do the same for my trans sisters. I wear that misgenred label with a kind of pride.
There were a few a**holes being a**es and intentionally telling me "once a man, always a man" or just "gay" and I'm like:"Yeah, you are actually very right. I'm a man, I'm gay. The sky is blue."
Getting to learn to know the difference between malice and mistake, took alot of pressure of my shoulders and gave me the bravery to not HAVE to present as modern masculine as I can, when in truth my style is just boundary breaking.
honestly I think part of what changed for me was reaching a place where it was like ok so if they think I'm a man with long blonde hair and lip filler and a navel piercing, that's on them and it's pretty clear either way what I'm going for, vibes-wise.
As a nonbinary person, I will never present in a way that people will gender me ‘naturally’. I will be fighting to be seen for the rest of my life, and this is good because I am hopefully making things better for the next nonbinary cohort.
I'm sorry that it's so hard sometimes. I really do hope it's better for future generations. There are lots of other cultures that are much more accepting of nonbinary people and to me that indicates we are capable of getting there.
The important part of that whole exchange wasn't just the response from Mrs. McBride, it was the fire that the Representative from SE Massachusetts brought.
"Mister Chairman, *You* are out of order. Have you no shame, sir?"
It's really nice to see her colleagues standing up for her. We need a lot more of that!
I pretty much have never gone out of my way to correct misgendering my pronouns. It feels good when people get them right and I just shrug it off when they don't. The good sign is that people are getting them right more and more often. I consider that as progress.
I understand what you are trying to convey; however, I agree with the previous post (Kassandra) that it's not our responsibility to present "well enough" to truly be a woman, a man, or even neither. It's no different than when someone of color or ethnicity rightfully says, it's not their responsibility, it's our to learn the history and everything that goes along with that.
So let me ask you a question... would you be giving the same advice to someone of color or ethnicity? Would you lecture them on the Serenity Prayer or how it's wise to pick and choose your battles?
I think what's really bothering me here is that you are taking what works for *you* and are expecting everyone else to adopt the same attitude - worse, it's almost passive aggressive to suggest that doing otherwise is tantamount to "spinning our wheels".
It's not all that difficult to distinguish genuine error, lack of respect (indifference), or just plain hostility. I've been living full time for 8 years now, name change and all. In almost every instance where it was an honest mistake, I find that people own it and apologize unprompted when I let them know (and no, it's not necessary to be an ass about it... kindness goes a long way).
I've also learned in the 6+ decades a truism that I've yet to find an exception to - bullies cannot be reasoned with, or placated, or shamed, or any means that kind compassionate people understand is part of the larger social contract. They also don't back down or stop. The *only* way to deal with a bully is to stand up to a bully. Most bullies are cowards beneath the bravado, and will not continue to engage.
You also mention Sarah McBride and the way she has handled the bullies in congress. Sorry, that just doesn't fly. She gave into the bullshit without so much as a fight. Whether she likes it or not, she represents more that just her Delaware constituents. And fair or not, people will draw conclusions on how to treat *any* trans person based on her responses.
You want proof? Someone she can model herself on? I give you Montana state representative Zooey Zephyr. Not just a class act, but a masterclass on how to handle bullies.
With regards to the Serenity Prayer?
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference...."
That's much more than a pithy piece of advise stitched to throw pillows. It's the mantra of almost any place that offers healing for addiction, trauma and the like. Thing is, they don't stop there... Here is what they add...
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference....and the willingness to take action!"
It's as important to stand up for and respect yourself as it is to honor the social contract of decorum. Action does not have to mean sinking to their level... it does however not to just stand there and take it. It also means to take care of yourself and not let them live rent free in your head.
My two shekels...
I would not be giving advice to someone of color on how to navigate the world because I have only ever have been white and that's not my advice to give. All I have to share is my own perspective on my transition and how my thinking about it has changed over time, which is what I am sharing here. I don't think anybody who knows me would describe me as passive aggressive or judgemental. Personally, I find it mortifying when people who I know love me slip up on pronouns and feel the need to perform a lengthy apology. We all need to find the approach that works for us.
Obviously this is a matter of personal choice for each individual. But as an ally I will not tolerate misgendering of anyone in my presence or the most egregious examples of it by politicians and reserve to myself the right to push back aggressively against it. Anyone who misgenders anyone in my presence better be prepared to find out exactly how big a troll and prick I can be in response.
While I agree about do I care about fighting a battle with someone at a cash desk in a shop when I have bigger issues and I will likely never see them again. But this isn't about my transition to some position of stealth and I should "try harder next time" I'm MTF trans, I look trans, I wear it openly. To misgender me says a lot about the person and the respect they have for me. And to misgender me tells me all about the level of respect I should show them
Regarding this thing about wanting people to gender me correctly because they instinctively see me as my true gender, what I'm finding here in my sorta midway there, partially formed presentation, is that it's harder for people who knew me before than it is for strangers encountering me for their first time.
My take is that people who already have their concept of me have trouble letting go of that. No matter how solidly I nail my gender presentation my old friends, family, co-workers STILL misgender me. It's that hard to get past their original ideas of who I am!
(offcreen announcer whispers to audience):
"The secret word is 'capitulation'."
look, if you read this whole thing and this was your takeaway, I think you probably just aren't the audience for my writing.
Thank you Ari, for your interest in my interest in your recent article.
Unfortunately I was unable to address you using you last name, since I do not know what preferred title should go in front of it, so as to not misgender you.
I did read your article carefully. Every. Single. Word.
And then I re-read it. Every. Single Word.
After some consideration, may I just say:
1) It is of course entirely up to you as to how you respond to each instance of misgendering, and it is your right to say so.
2) I believe that it is entirely up to me as to how I feel about it, and that it is my right to say so.
3) Speaking only for myself, if I am misgendered unintentionally and as a mistake or sincere lack of knowledge, I will gently and without admonishment, simply state my true gender. How the other person reacts is of course totally up to them.
4) But, if someone misgenders me in a manner that is deliberately rude and malicious, I will respond accordingly.
5) Please consider - when you see an open hand, do not mistake it for a closed fist. Let me assure you that I did not extend a closed fist to you. Now, I am extending an open hand to you. Please don't slap it away. These days, I think we could all use more open hands, and less closed fists.
I shall look forward to reading your articles with interest. Keep up the good work.
I appreciate learning from all of you and Ari, you are beautiful and o full of grace. 🌻